Commitmentphobia and the Anxiety it causes

First of all - Hooray over 3,000 views! Thanks everyone for making that happen. I'm fine with it not getting even more because my Facebook friend totals are very low.

On to the writing.

I've been trying to deal with my commitmentphobia and the anxiety it causes. This past winter break, I learned a whole lot about it from a book that I had. Along with this, I asked my whole family a ton of questions about relationships and what made their marriages/families work. While I have steadily improved at being committed, I will not how difficult it is for me to stay committed even outside of relationships.

Let's take a look at my commitmentphobia in action in the past:

Musical Instruments: It was there from the get go and most likely my earliest example of not being committed. I simply left piano, sure I can make excuses that I didn't like one of the teachers and what not, but in reality I simply just left. I'm not sure why, but I simply said I'm done with this. The same can be said for me and guitar as I was pretty much done as soon as I got an electric guitar.

Boy Scouts: I thoroughly enjoyed being in cub scouts in elementary school, but when middle school came and our after school group disbanded, I couldn't really commit myself to boy scouts and so I left after a day of being one. Not in the cards?

Martial Arts: I think martial arts is my longest commitment ever from about 5th grade until 12th grade I stuck with it. The issue I had was when I took a year off for junior year college prep and AP classes. This ultimately proved to be meaningless as it didn't affect my academics that much, but it did affect my martial arts and to this day I may never have that black belt....

Football and Track: While I did track for one fun and wild year my sophomore, I wasn't good at it so I didn't bother with sticking with it. In football, I did 2 years of JV, in the 2nd year most of my grade was in Varsity, but I was not. As such, I had no desire to continue in a sport that didn't respect and value me.

Relationships: Let's just say that I've never even lasted a year.....there's enough about this in other blog posts.

Cities: I've moved four times in 5 years. The most ironic part of this is that I now complain about NYC.....

Majors: I switched from Business to Film and even had an interim semester where I was interested in Sociology...this makes sense because both my parents switched majors hah. What's interesting about this is I now no longer have any involvement in film and don't even watch foreign films that much anymore.

Jobs: I've had four jobs in four years and am thinking about what to do with the current one. Some have legitimate reasons (Houston transitory contract ran out, Atlanta does not = NYC, Disrespect in NYC), but honestly I'm debating what I want to do with myself. 

Friendships: Every time I leave a city or move on somewhere I delete Facebook friends or I don't talk to certain people anymore. I find this oddly similar to my music tastes as I get tired of songs very quickly...I think this ties into an addiction I'm moving on from - must I always be stimulated or am I always bored?

However, with all that I am committed in a variety of ways too, it's trying to figure out what makes that stick is what's important.

NYC: After a flash of thinking I should leave right now, I'm actually committed to this city and I think I will stay unless a family situation is better elsewhere. I'm not changing on that anymore, there you go another commitment

Languages: While I flubbed on French, I do try to keep my Spanish up and literally taught myself Portuguese. I love learning them

Reading: I think in this past year of read about 9 books, for as slow as I used to be at reading that is an amazing record for myself and I thoroughly enjoy it.

Education as a Career: Having been involved with students and their futures since '08, I have continued to be a part of minority students' successes. While they may be scattered all over the country, I remain committed to them and have maintained a job in education so far.

Higher Education: With 2 degrees and most likely a 3rd(yet another master's haha) I seem to be pushing myself on this kick to make sure I truly progress to where I need to. I can at least accomplish this.

Family: I'm even more committed to my parents and my brother than when I was younger, I've taken strides here.

Wrestling: I could've left in my 3rd year after everyone else did; however, I persevered and was Captain, sometimes I need to stay in longer to see everything fructuate - hmm

Friendships: +20 years = Kuan, +10 years Spencer, Brian, Amber (I miss you Amber!) +5 years Andreas, Nikki and Jamar

Staying Employed: I've always been working so that's never been a break

Traveling: I do travel all the time which actually lends itself to commitmentphobia, so this is quite a strange when I think about it.

Finishing TV Series: An odd example of staying committed, but I do try to get to finales even when they're a struggle i.e. Oz

Exercise and Health: While I sorely need to go to the dentist, I have stayed committed to working out and being healthy with my food choices even when I have a week where not much exercise happens I try to do something from working out my knee to pushups. 

Overall, I think what keeps me committed is clear end goals. Regardless, of the condition I'm in end if I clearly have an end goal then I will keep doing my best to excel wherever I'm at. This will really help inform me on my current next steps. Lastly, I think my pride prevents me from always staying committed, I think the moment something falls apart in any fashion, I feel the need to jump ship. I need to learn to endure...Big push for me.