Realizing You're Not Ready

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm not ready. Recently, at a friend's birthday party, a mutual friend posed the question - "are you ready?" At first, I was defensive as I realized that I had long since matured and learned about how to become a better person these past 8 months. However, the moment she asked the question, grad school flew into my brain. I'm realizing that I'm not ready and should acknowledge a dream that I have far too aggressively chasing.

Anyways, here are some reasons I'm not ready:

1) Grad School - Sure some would say this is a lame excuse, but honestly with me trying to work harder for my workplace and pull off grad school this is a difficult task. Yes, I'd rather be more prepared for my students, but I still need to accomplish grad school due to certification and a New York Master's. I spent the past weekend with about 12 hours of grad school work. That's a quarter of a weekend that doesn't even include regular work. Sure there will always be work to do, but with no school that will be even better. Yes I've juggled all 3, but that ended up becoming a downfall. With grad school clear, all non-work free time can be dedicated to be friends and relationships.

2) Credit Card Debt - I'll admit I definitely have it. I'm not going to give you origins as to why (though you can inquire privately) besides unfortunate circumstances at the beginning of the year. I have some personal expenses that need handling before I can devote money towards anyone else. With credit card debt clear I can handle not only my college loans (which are not as daunting), but also handle any issues that come up in relations.

3) Absolute Travel - What this means is not the idea of travel because that is a known fact with me. What this means is that I have a strict set of locations I want to travel that I can be done with by this time next year. I'm not going to waver or change these plans for anyone or any event and therefore would be more flexible to travel to other and repeat locations after those places are accomplished. FYI these countries are Chile, Colombia, Kenya, Tanzania, Thailand + a large amount of SE Asia. After that, I could care less, sure I have some wants (Australia, China and Germany), but not absolutes after that.

4) Fine With Being Alone (For the Moment) - In the early part of this year, I was not ok at all with being alone and dedicated/forced myself to not be. That didn't always go so well. Sure I've met some great people and possibly one who I should've pursued. However, I've also realized that my complaint hasn't exactly been about being alone as it has been about future values and establishments. As such, I'm more ok than I thought right now and it's not to be buck wild, but more to handle my business so that I can be more prepared.

5) Reassessing Desires - From meeting remarkably innocent non-religious people and outgoing religious people who are moderate or open-minded, I've found myself at odds with some ideas I initially had. While no kids remains (at least until 35, if I barely handle myself how could I handle two more), many other ideas are in the air. Someone who is a geek might have a negative attitude, an upbeat and positive doctor might end falling into a friend zone, and an extremely open-minded individual might be an actual nightmare. As such, while I also have a love of blackness and natural hair, I'm learning how much you can grow up and down with people over time. At the same time, I'm learning to stop lying to myself here as some are not laundry lists, but more assessing where my desire is based (height physically, mentally and emotionally does matter; as does natural blackness, I could fight it but then I would be lying to myself).

Beyond this, if someone amazing comes along who works out on at least a base level of compatibility perhaps all this could be worked out before I take a year off. However, I'm not on the hunt in the more as reevaluating my life has made me realize that I'm not having the right mindset here and I still need to not only work on me and some outstanding obstacles before I can.....well in case you didn't realize what I was READY for a RELATIONSHIP. There will be a time and a place to share my life with someone and that someone and I will also have a great family whenever that may be(this is not a hopeful, having a family is one of my major principles).

Yes, I'm not ready and all of you who said it were quite right.