Now that I am done writing about travel, I feel it is time to finally reflect on where I have been lately in my my mind. The health is good, for the most part, teaching in the classroom is fun, and I have a third degree. However, my mind is all over the place for a few reasons.
Anyways, why the name "the shallow end?" Well it's because I'm not drowning anymore. The past few weeks I have been reeling back into a place that I have only been since before I started working with students. As such, it has certainly solidified the concept that students/kids/children broke me out of what I'm going to simply name as high-functioning depression. It is something I have gone in and out of for years before I started Troy Camp. As a matter of fact my camp name was Eeyore because of my pessimism. This coupled with my anxiety often created a buildup then hard crash of emotions I often experienced. The reason why no one really understood this is because I don't lock myself at home, I don't cut off all my communication, I still go to work and perform fairly well. As such, it's high-functioning. All of this started in 5th grade at the onset of hormones and I went through a variety of ups and downs. Whereas it has consistently been for some reason or another, but more recently I have some theories as to what has happened and what I'm trying to get out of. Also, this isn't saying woe is me I have a good life, but it doesn't matter if it looks like life is functioning well, when in reality I'm crying inside. Still after the Southeast Asia trip the following has been with me.
- I highly dislike being back in NYC or possibly America? When you cut off social media, lose a lot (money, phone, cards, get injured internally and physically), and immerse yourself in Southeast Asian culture you feel a reverse culture shock that is still lingering. NYC is the epitome of capitalism, while places like Luang Prabang are so far from it it's not even funny. Surprisingly, I saw a recent article of Your Brain on Nature and for someone who loves man made creations, being at peace on the beach of Bali or hanging out in temples with no one in sight in Bagan I realized how much comfort I have in not being in a bustling city. As such, it's been wearing on me even though I completely understand how the city works
- Surprises are wonderful. I used to have a hardline against surprises, but now I think the reverse as it is what kept me enjoying my time overseas. Overall, I never knew what I would encounter and it was a lot of fun that way. I often get into routines, but my Sagittarius self gets tired of settling. It's a blessing and a curse as I worry about being able to stay put one day for a family v. constantly living and traveling around the world.
- I hate teaching math and feel terrible I'm not teaching history and on top of that not with my old students. I feel like a childless father who has new children, while watching his old kids heavily fall apart. My old students are deteriorating and it's sad. As such, I enjoy them hanging out with me at any time. The new kids are cool, but the old ones are near my second favorite of all time. Coupled with that math team is a weird world of Stepford Wives without emotions who don't understand nuances of Black and Brown children or insight. They focus on math and even then hearing from them is worse than the math team. As such, I felt I had to do this job for money unfortunately and it's making me unhappy outside of the classroom because I'm not where I want to be.
- Intervention implementations and testing are terrible. I don't mind intervention but we are being highly micromanaged like children for it. Along with this, the communication is still strange and people are getting more and frustrated with all the meetings. It's not how you help people who are still confused and stuck on the time. Furthermore, I have a quiz every Friday which is maddening to get it done. I don't even have time to review it.
- I want the teaching abroad process done now! Certification from my grad school and NYC TEACH is a huge process to get right. However, more than anything references need to go in and I want to know where now. I've limited it down to Colombia or Brasil, West or East Africa, Prague or Portugal, Thailand, and Dubai. As such, this is a narrow mind focus, so it brings me anxiety when it is not accomplished
- I've realized how much image has mattered to me, I'm so concerned for likes or vain approval and questions that I seek out information and agreement instead of really being the kink-conscious,Black Panther, atheist, traveling educator that I am. I do not care with race and travel, but I do care of a lot of other ideas that makes it hard to fully embrace it. As such, I have ideas to leave the classroom when I return in order to help us get into, get through and get to jobs from college.
- On the flip side, I wonder why people care about my accomplishments as a whole so as not to be too vain. The applause for graduating a third time was shocking. As was the applause for being published. I once didn't think I was great, then I got pretentious, now I want to be humble because I saw great humility overseas. I guess shouting that I am a good person who is doing great things is completely acceptable too. It also feels delightful.
- My two parameters of height and non-religous seem to be working. However, it is also working in a way in which every other women steers clear. As such, I'm quite fascinated in how they really feel about the whole situation in I'm basically saying I'm not attracted to most women I meet. However, if you do fit my type I'm all about you all day.
- Note that in all of this money is not an issue, but I do get anxious from time to time about using it for my own enjoyment versus more cultural ideas that matter.
- I think I have some inner anger against my mom's whiteness/eurocentrism that becomes unleashed on certain white women or if not that then certain situations where I once felt at home. I was raised in white suburbia, but now I backlash against it. I have felt most at peace when non-white airbnb people come into my space as I feel the least judged. It's a balancing act from being biracial that I think is an old issue that I still haven't settled.